Starting over — Hello World

Ever felt like it's time to start again? Take up a hobby that you haven't done for a while? Doing those pesky home tasks that you always postpone? Just in general anything that you're were doing in the past, but no longer? I get this itchy, annoying, god—awful feeling from time to time, usually at night when I'm about to get some much—deserved sleep.

I have this desire — to share what I've learned, maybe even some educational content — but I've always lacked the commitment to do it. I've started so many projects that I can't even remember how many I've actually created and just abandoned. I start them, work on them for some time and then abandon them. The only thing that sticks with me and has become my job is programming, which I really enjoy, but that is not really the point.

With programming, I usually finish my projects so that other people can try them if they really want to. Other things... Not really. Drawing? Acting? Figure skating? Mapping? Just, you know, things I've enjoyed doing or creating? Abandoned, gone, forgotten. The skills are still there, but they demand consistent practice—some as little as ten minutes a day—just to keep from degrading. And I'm doing nothing. I just can't stand how slowly I'm progressing. The constant irritating feeling of not being up to my standards — I can't stand it — I just burn out eventually.

I am going to try to change it today. I will start small, I will go slowly, I will hate it, but I will go on. I should learn new things. I should persevere, little by little. I think this agony of not feeling fulfilled with progress will go away as soon as I start doing things again. After all, how can you motivate others to do things if you don't work on those things yourself?

Boom! I haven't posted anything for a year. A good bloody motivational speaker, me! Sometimes things just don't work out. Tried drawing again—gave it up again. Tried playing guitar again—same result. Blogging, any kind of sport—same fate. I just don’t get any dopamine from it, "feel happy". I feel a little happy when I finish programming things, so what's the difference? I don't know; I haven't figured it out. What I have done, though, is realized I was so low on dopamine that I finally dragged myself to a psychiatrist. That's the most insane thing I've done for my health in my entire life. And it helped. Holy shit, if you have the same feeling, go see a doctor or talk to a psychiatrist/psychologist friend—you might need pills to fix this. I won't spoil what I have; let's just say I need special pills with some exotic stuff in them to fix my dopamine machine.

And it feels so refreshing. Did you know that people can feel happy when they finish their work for the day? Or when they do all the necessary maintenance in their apartment? I wasn't, I just assumed that everybody lived that way, sort of unhappily, and just worked around that feeling of being tired or something. And no, they don't feel this way. They feel good when they finish necessary things, they feel good when they finish their work. Well, uhm, they can feel all the bad things too, just not all the time.

Anyway, what was this post about? About starting again. Doing hobbies, doing routine stuff while enjoying the process and the results.